The parenting series

Part one: It might not happen as quick as anticipated….

Photo by Dominika Roseclay on Pexels.com

This is a series I have been thinking of doing. Inspired by multitudes of my patients and addressing some issues that are related to the parenting journey in general… I am hoping that the upcoming little snippets of the journey to parenting, some very personal to me, shine a light on a topic that is rarely talked about in normal conversation. All those struggling with fertility or struggling with parenthood, just know that I see you and hope by normalising the conversation you can stop hiding your own struggles and feel open to talking to your GP.

Part 1: It might not happen as quick as anticipated…

It was a lovely weekday when Rebecca* and Sam* arrived for their appointment. They were a lovely young couple in their late twenties, and they had jumped through all the adulting milestones and were ready to be parents. Except, it was not happening which understandably was frustrating for them. They had got married, bought their house, got their large family car, and updated their health insurance for the upcoming stork delivery but it seemed the stork had the wrong address.

With the unrelenting questions of “when are you having babies?” from friends and family they had finally decided to come and see me for some assistance.

We started unpacking their presentation. They had already downloaded some apps to track her ovulation and they would have sex every day at the times when the app was saying and despite that, it was now 6 months later, and they were over the disappointment that came with the monthly period.

This was an easy one, or at least there was still room to move before we needed to refer them for specialist intervention.

First, we discussed that at their age they had 30% chance of falling pregnant with every cycle which is always interesting as most people tend to think the chances of conception are very high. Sure, if they were 16, they could have sneezed* and had an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy but usually when pregnancy is wanted, it does not always seem to follow the script as required.

Also, given their age and relative health, they were technically allowed to try for about 12 months in total before we started to investigate for medical issues that might be the cause of their difficulty in getting impregnated.

Additionally, although the ovulation apps let you know then the ovum/egg is released from the ovary, if you think of how small a sperm is and how far it must go to meet the sperm, it makes sense that if there is no sperm already at the end of the tube waiting for the egg to be released, you are already too late. Having said that, going at It like rabbits is not likely to help either as the amount of sperm in the semen is likely to reduce with time.

So as the consultation continued, I could sense their relief there were remedies we could trial before they were officially “sick”. First, they were to use the ovulation information they already knew but start the horizontal dance twice during the week and once on the weekend from about 5 days prior to ovulation until at least 5 days after the egg left the ovary. That would hopefully bring back the fun of doing the dance but also hopefully the reduced frequency will mean the concentration of sperm is maintained in the semen increasing the chances of getting knocked up. 

They left my consultation room looking more hopeful than when they arrived with some homework to consider. A few months later, Rebecca arrived with smiles beaming. She had peed on a stick and saw 2 lines…

*not real names or real patients

PS: remember that this blog entry does not constitute medical advice. If you have any questions of a medical nature, contact your nearest medical facility for help.

Advertisement

The pandemic and taking stock…

I have been a bit quiet from my social media since the onset of the pandemic, not because I became a hermit, but more because I needed to take stock.

Photo by Ismael Sanchez on Pexels.com

It has been almost 2 years since the pandemic started – I know home schooling has made it seem like it has been a decade already, and a lot has happened in my life in that time. We all have had to pivot to a whole new way of living and dealing with the world in general and so have I. With pivoting comes a bit of introspection and I realised I really did miss my writing, writing for my self that is and this here is me getting back to that.  I will be putting pen to paper or should I say hands to keypad more frequently as a form of online therapy and sharing/reflecting on all that has been running through my head. Hope I will enjoy reading this in years to come. I understand that there is unlikely to be anyone else reading this but if you are, feel free to comment below and say hello, that would make my day.

Youth week celebrations

 

Friday April 5th -Sunday April 14th is time to celebrate Victorian Youth Week this year. I will be participating in one of the many Africa Day Australia activities that will be going on as we celebrate the young people around us. I cant wait to meet with everyone and be among the young minds of Victoria. Hope to see you there.

When: Saturday 13th April 12:30- 1630

Where: Library at the Dock , 107 Victoria Harbour Promenade, Docklands Vic 3008

Broken trust…

We place immense trust in the hands of people we don’t know but those we interact with in society.

We trust that when traffic lights turn red and the pedestrian lights green, that the people driving towards the pedestrian crossing will stop.

We trust that as we wait to cross the road or wait for the train, none of our fellow pedestrians won’t push us into the path of an oncoming car/train

We trust that when you go out for a meal, the people providing catering are washing their hands and not doing anything inappropriate to our food before it is served.

We trust that when we go on our merry way, we will find our way home in peace.

I was in Melbourne city this past Saturday, a day following the senseless loss of lives in Christchurch due to the actions of one white supremacist killer. It was Formula One Grand Prix weekend and the city had a palpable buzz which was soon accompanied by low flying planes to celebrate the beginning of the car racing festivities. My young son and I were train and tram hopping as usual but the sounds, the people and everything that had happened the day before challenged the trust I would normally give without question. It all made me feel so uneasy we had to go home. Trying to be on look out of people around you who might turn against you is emotionally and mentally exhausting and a reality I am very far from accepting as the norm. I don’t know what we can do to stop this pervasive fear because we can’t let those who choose to divide us, win.

Image- Getty Images/DNY59

International Women’s day 2019

international women’s day 2019

It was a great honor to present to the beautiful women of Africa Day Australia as a guest speaker on this momentous occasion. I thought I would share my speech below for those who couldn’t make it to share as we celebrate women and the men who allow us to stand tall. Hope you enjoy it. Let me know on the comments please.

My name is Dr Tshegofatso (Teah) Mogae. I am a bit nervous so I hope I will not have verbal diarrhoea and divulge all my secrets. I am a mum, wife, medical practitioner and I own a small business called Losika Writes. I was kindly asked to provide a speech to an awesome bunch of women to celebrate international women’s day and I thought, sure why not. I am a woman, tick so I already tick that box at least. But then I had to decide what to talk about and that was the tricky bit.

Do I talk how being born a female in 2019 still sucks compared to being born a male anywhere in the world? Or about how 1 in 2 women in Australia will experience sexual harassment in their lifetime? Or how despite working hard women earn 85c compared to $1 earnt by men doing the same jobs yet then still do the bulk of unpaid care work at home.

So you can understand how if I was to talk about the #metoo movement or how 10 women and 1 child have died since the beginning of 2019 in Australia alone or how women such as Ms Rahaf Alqanun have to literally run away from their homes and lock themselves in hotel rooms to get tell the world of the plight of women in different parts of the world how sad my talk would be. I think these issues are important discussions to be had and I am sure we can make time for each of them, but I thought I would be uplifting on this special day.

So for that I turned towards the theme for this year which is balance for better. First thing I thought was oh no, they want me to talk about how work life balance and how I am amazing at that. Well, I did say I was juggling motherhood, being a doctor, lecturer, business owner etc so I must admit that work life balance is a mythical creature in my life. On further review though, the theme is about creating a gender balanced world which I think is a great challenge we as women face.

On this, the 108^th celebration of international women’s day can we try to spice things up a bit and hopefully try and get equality quicker than the 202 years projected for equality at the current rate. That means, with everything remaining the same, it will only be my great, great, great, great, great, grand daughters who would get to enjoy the fruits of our labour so I thought we could get things rolling a lot sooner. I understand that we have already made great strides as women in the recent centuries, but I am challenging us to try and pick up the pace. It was almost a hundred years ago that women discussed with the men in their lives the importance of equality in terms of casting a vote in the USA. Following that, MEN then voted to allow women to cast their own votes.

So why don’t we follow in their lead to make men be the ones working harder for our equality?

So why don’t we get the men in our lives to recognise when women are not being treated equally and to do something about it?

Why don’t we get the men in our lives to question when they are invited to board meetings or panels that don’t involve any women?

Why don’t we get the men in our lives to call out and have a zero tolerance to sexual harassment of women?

Why don’t we teach our sons that being a man doesn’t involve showing strength by beating up women but rather by building them up?

Why don’t we get the investor men in our lives to question why board members of the companies they invest in don’t have women on board?

Why don’t we get the leading mean in our lives to know that trying to rule a country with political parties, or institutions with only males at the helm is like trying to fly a 747 aeroplane with only 50% engine capacity, a recipe for disaster.

Women account for 50% of the worlds population so I think it is about time some of those men stood up and made room for our fabulousness at the table. All men come from a woman, were cared for by a woman, were nursed and probably taught by a woman to become who they are. So surely, we should ensure they know how fabulous we are.

They shouldn’t just stand up to pull our chairs or to open doors for us, they should question why we are not shoulder to shoulder with them and make room for us at the table.

It all starts with us owning our power and educating the men we birth and raise, the men we grow up with, the men we love and interact with and all men in general to stand up for our equality. So let us get to it ladies, this job needs all of us.

Thanks

Dr Tshegofatso (Teah) Mogae

MBBS, DCH, DRANZCOG, FRACGP

The side hustle continues…

I had a beautiful chat with Anisha from Cultural Pulse about Losika Writes and our reason WHY! She has published a beautiful article about our big quest to shine a light on all the beautiful native languages of  sub Saharan Africa. Have a read by clicking on the link and celebrating multicultural achievements with us.

Making peace…

I was watching Jada Pinkett- Smith’s show – Red Table Talk recently about forgiveness. It was a chat with her step brother about their father and how they both coped with his addiction and the fact that he wasn’t present for most of their growing up. They both discussed how they had learned to forgive him/his actions and how he ended up dying without much resolution of his “demons”.
What resonated mostly with me was when she said “my father’s main purpose in life was not to be my father, but to have a journey of his own and I just happened to be born during his journey so I couldn’t expect him to stop everything to be my father.”
My parents separated when I was in high school and it was an acrimonious split. I have lived more than half my life without talking to my father who probably lives in the same city I grew up in which is actually a VERY small place. Sometimes I question my emotions about the whole situation whether I am angry/upset/disappointed. Despite the decades, I am still unsure how I feel and what I would like to occur to resolve my indecisiveness. At some point you start dating, get married and walk yourself down the isle Meghan Markle style, have a child and work a career that you love but still not resolve that relationship and where it stands.
My father was not really into drugs or alcohol or anything that would make me think he was a bad father. It’s like my parents got separated and his parenthood also stopped. Obviously there is bias from my point of view given this transpired whilst I was technically still a child but that is what I experienced.

Hearing Jada and her brother say those words about their father gave me peace about my father and our situation. I hope one day, before it’s too late, we can both be adults about the situation but I have peace should that not eventuate too.

Making a clone…

I would have never believed you if you said you could make an exact duplicate of yourself but with Losika I think I may have done exactly that.

Now most people are quick to talk about our looks and how we look very similar which I suppose is common. There are however, things that he has done that have shocked me as I identify myself in them from being about his age to now. Below I have listed those that are still fresh of mind

1. Nail biting – now I must admit I still do this even now but I am always conscious of not doing that when he is around. But he not only bites his finger nails, he bites his toenails too which I also disgustingly did until my late teens so its not like I have shown him how to do it.
2. Internalising emotions- he is only four but I see so much of myself in how he handles situations and emotions. I must admit, I am still learning how to tame the tiger but I remember many a time that I promised myself I would pack my bags in the morning and run away or went to bed without eating my dinner all because mum had been upset at me. I see how he responds sometimes when he is angry at me for disturbing his play and a part of me can see the cogwheels turning in his brain and wondering if he ever thinks like I used to. I hope that as he grows, I can teach him what I have learnt so far in managing emotions and not internalising them.
3. Watching TV whilst lying on his back- this used to be my favourite TV watching position and I can fondly remember watching SABC 3 back in the days and trying to learn tennis and cricket because those were the only things that were entertaining after school in our limited channel TV set back then.
4. Spending forever chewing one mouthful-  I fondly remember my mum telling me that you didn’t need to chew porridge or yogurt. Mum would say I was possible the only person who would chew WATER!!! Sadly Losika has developed the same trait of keeping each mouthful a lot longer in the mouth which can be frustrating as I try and ensure he completes his breakfast in the morning hustle and bustle.

Surely I am not the only parent who sees themselves in their child. Comment below and let me know that I am not crazy… I know I may be but hoping I am now hehe

Reflection- How language shapes the way we think…

I am one of those people who is always reading and when online, I do get carried away with opening new tabs. I must admit, I will often have more than 100 tabs open at a time… oops. I do then make time to read through each tab and most of the time, find beautiful gems like the TED talk by Lera Boroditsky, a cognitive scientist, about “How language shapes the way we think.” On finding out there are about 7000 languages on earth, my next thought was – how many of those languages are found in print? How many of these languages become extinct every decade because speaking that language “is not as cool as speaking a foreign colonial or adopted language?’

Having attended private school “aka English medium” in all my primary and high school education in Botswana, you wouldn’t have to look far to find people who were not keen to speak the local language despite living amongst people who spoke the language. To then have age mates who elected to only communicate with their children in English whilst living in Botswana was a very interesting phenomenon for me. To top that off, you could find a Kagiso married to a Kelebogile but having kids called Andrew, Katherine etc to help the kids “adjust in an English world”. The understanding of the above decisions was that being a monolingual, English only speaker, somehow made you more intelligent. English is a great language and one that can allow communication between multitudes of people globally, but we shouldn’t let the knowledge of English, be detrimental to Setswana as a whole.

Sadly, on reflection and more so after watching the Ted talk, all that is apparent to me is that we are probably gradually making our language extinct and hence the real ambition behind Losika Writes. To try, in my little corner of the world, to take our beautiful Setswana off the endangered list. Support the movement and buy your little one some books at www.losikawrites.com.

Enjoy the TED talk and looking forward to your opinions about the topic discussed.

The day endometriosis nearly killed me…

I woke up with the most excruciating pain and large volume, sudden onset vomiting. The time was probably a little before midnight as I staggered to my parents’ bedroom to let mum know I wasn’t feeling all too well. As mum is a sympathetic vomiter, i.e vomits when she sees anyone else’s vomit, she kindly advised me to try and small sips of water and she would try to get the floors clean. I had to sit in the lounge room, covered with a little blanket as I tried to deduce what could have made me so violently unwell. I recalled the day well. I had been to school and been home without anything eventful. Dinner was a non-event either and the following day was another school day. Every small sip of water or milk seemed to increase the pain in my tummy and before long I was vomiting again. Mum, although not a doctor, diagnosed a simple case of gastro and told me to try and sleep it off.

After a lot more vomits, the spilled contents gradually changed from food to bilious green and eventually coffee grounds colour with flecks of blood. Only on seeing the blood did mum think it wasn’t’ “gala” (gastrointestinal imbalance) and thought best we presented to the hospital. By now it had been a few hours of ongoing vomiting with me feeling completely weak and unable to walk. We quickly drove to Gaborone Private hospital, as I cried in the back seat, urging her to drive through red lights as the pain was most excruciating. On arrival, almost passing out from the pain, I was immediately sent off for surgery to manage a bleeding peptic ulcer. I remember telling the doctor in charge how much I loved him for the morphine and anti-vomiting medication he had administered.

I was 15 years old at the time and used to having severe debilitating period pains that would often make me miss a few days of school each month. I had had my period the day prior to being unwell, and not trying to miss school again, had inadvertently taken an overdose of ibuprofen to manage the pain and had caused myself to have a bleeding ulcer. My mum and I thought that severe period pains were “normal” aspect of being female and even on post-op follow up with my GP I was informed that having excruciating period pains was an accepted part of being a female.

It wasn’t until being a medical student and having ongoing issues that I was eventually diagnosed with endometriosis. On reflection, I was able to realise that I had suffered and almost died from self-medication of this condition without ever having a diagnosis. I was made to feel that, like labour pains, there is a lot of discomfort that comes with being a female when in fact this is very far from “normal”.

Let my lived experience act as a cautionary tale that not all period pain is created the same. So educate yourself about the condition, there is plenty of information on reputable medical sites and present to your doctor if you have any suspicions that you might have this condition. Like Emma the yellow wiggle let those of us who are 1in 10 illustrate that endometriosis can be managed to some extent and, although it has no cure, it doesn’t have to define who you are.

Other sites to look up

Jean Hailes Website